HOW WOMEN RESPOND WHEN WE DON'T FEEL SAFE AND WHAT MEN CAN DO TO HELP: WE MAY BECOME MORE IRRITABLE, COLD, OR SEXUALLY INDIFFERENT.

Some women deal with unsafe feelings not by becoming more vulnerable, but by becoming less vulnerable. When something triggers a lack of emotional safety in us, we shut off our feelings and barricade the doors to our heart, hoping to protect ourselves from getting hurt. Women like this may suddenly turn cold toward their partner, get critical and irritable, and even feel sexually turned off.

The problem with this kind of reaction is that most of the time men have no idea that we're actually hurting or afraid-—we just look pissed off. So it's much more difficult for them to think, "Gee, my sweetheart must be feeling unsafe right now. I think I'll reassure her." Instead, they withdraw even more, hoping to shield themselves from our anger or rejection.

What Women Need to Know:

If you have a tendency to put up your emotional walls when you're feeling unsafe, please consider the fact that your partner probably won't realize that you are hurting, and therefore won't be able to give you the love and reassurance you're actually needing.

If we're going to ask men to try to understand our needs, we have a responsibility not to make them have to work like a detective to figure out what is going on with us. Don't play games. Don't conclude that he '11 get the hint and figure out what you want if you are cold, because he won't. Be honest and try to explain how you're feeling. This will give you a much better chance of getting through to him, and hopefully, he'll respond by offering you the reassurance you are asking for.

What Men Need to Know:

When your woman suddenly appears to be cold or angry, don't automatically assume that's how she's really feeling. Remember: She may not be angry—she may just be afraid. Ask yourself if there's any reason she might not be feeling safe and try to offer her some affection and reassurance. Better yet, ask her to talk about how she's feeling, and be sure to listen.

I'm not suggesting that it's acceptable for women to shut down emotionally when we're feeling unsafe. But if you are a man, and are with a woman you suspect does this, you may be able to help her heal this pattern by remembering the information in this chapter, and reaching out with love even when it appears that she's pushing you away.

I gave this advice to a male friend recently, and he was amazed at how well it worked. His girlfriend had a habit of freezing up whenever she got scared in the relationship, only she never told him this was what was happening, so he concluded she had serious doubts about him. I knew from what he shared with me that this woman had been really hurt before, and I sensed that what she really wanted was not to withdraw, but to be reassured.

"What should I do when she gets like this?" Andrew asked me.

"Do the opposite of what it appears she's asking for—reach out and put your arms around her, and tell her you're sorry she's been so hurt in the past, and that you never want to hurt her, but just want to love her."

"You've got to be kidding," Andrew responded with skepticism. "If I try that, I feel like she'll push me away."

"Just do it," I coaxed him. "What do you have to lose? This pattern is driving you crazy."

Several days later, Andrew called me, sounding elated. "You won't believe what happened!" he exclaimed. "Last night Patty and I were together, and we were discussing some trips I have to take for work. Suddenly, she just froze up, and at first I thought, 'Here we go again.' Then I remembered your advice, so I moved over to the couch, sat next to her, took her hands in mine and told her that I didn't like the idea of traveling and being away from her, and that she didn't have to worry—I'd be faithful and committed to our relationship, because I really loved her.

'To my surprise, Patty burst into tears and clung to me like a little girl. It was as if that whole cold front shattered, and her real feelings came out. She confessed that her last boyfriend had al- ways cheated on her when he was on the road, and that she didn't want to lose me. You were right—she wasn't feeling safe, but she didn't know how to tell me that until I reached out to her."

Guys, I can't promise you that all women will open up as quickly as Patty did, but I do know that many times that mask of coldness or indifference you see is really a mask of fear. At those times, all it may take is a little reassuring effort on your part for the shut-down woman before you to transform back into the loving woman you want to be with.

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Women’s health